Log Date

Traveling the world through micro-plays.

While on board, pleasure-seekers are advised to wear magenta glasses with one lens whimsical and the other quite skeptic. Also, sometimes seeing the sites makes better sense when visiting random posts than when going chronologically.

  1. Text post

    Birds

    BRANDY   Drink me.

    LILY   Ok.

    ITUNES   Turn me on.

    LILY   Ok.  What should I play?

    ITUNES   Phillip Glass, I think.  Symphony for Eight.

    LILY   Ok.

    BOOKSHELF   Read something.

    LILY   Ok.  What should I read?

    BOOKSHELF   Sarah Kane seems appropriate.  Phaedra’s Love.

    LILY   Ok.

    STOMACH   Order some food.

    WALLET   She can’t.  I’m empty.

    STOMACH   I’m empty too!  Make some food.

    LILY   Ok.  Pasta with butter?

    STOMACH   Sure.  With salt too.

         [LILY makes pasta with butter and salt.  LILY listens to Phillip Glass while reading Sarah Kane.  LILY drinks brandy.  LILY turns into a sparrow and flies away.]

    Notes: 1 note

  2. Text post

    What to with a forthwith that doesn’t make perfect sense

    FRIDAY   Here I am.

    READER   Why do you always day the weeks into being?

    ERIC   Because I can.

    HOLE   I can be a negative space in the earth.

    FRIDAY   Can you now?

    HOLE   I can.

    FRIDAY   Well, I am the part of the week that takes up a part of the week, thereby invading it, like a hole in the timeline of these seven days.  Can you do that?

    ERIC   Have you read, my dear Friday, Mark Strand’s ”Keeping Things Whole”?

    FRIDAY   No, I have not.  But I’ll read it now.

    ERIC   You should.

    HOLE   I agree.

    ERIC   Shut up, you!

         [There is time]

    ERIC   Have you thought about how a hole is an ant colony, and an ant colony a hill? That a hole is a negative space that when the world is flipped over becomes a positive space?

    READER   What are you trying to say?

    ERIC   That you, my dear reader, are a negative space—a hill—in the world that is filling up a something that was somewhat there before you?

    READER   No.

    FRIDAY   I am an institution.

    ERIC   That would otherwise be a day, because you fill it up with your name.  That a Shakespeare is an inverted whole that by any other name world smell as sweet.  Is a hole in the ground any different from a whole mountain if you simply flip the world on its head?

  3. Text post

    Rules for Keeping it Classy (or perhaps bougie)

    MOTHER   Son, now that you’ve graduated from college there are some things you must know.

    SON   What kind of things?  Supernatural or super-secret things?

    MOTHER   Things that have been passed down from generation to generation.  Rules of conduct that I shall now pass to you.

    SON   Rules?  I hate rules!

    MOTHER   These aren’t difficult rules to follow, but they are a little something to help guide you through polite social interaction.

    SON   Oh alright, what are they?

         [She hands him a slip of paper]

  4. Text post

    Shit Fire Arkansas!

    CHICKEN   The sky is falling!  I say, the sky is falling!

    STEPHEN HAWKING   No it isn’t.  It’s actually getting further away.

    DAVID LETTERMAN   And that, my friends, is all there is to it.

    CHICKEN   But… it is!  Its really falling and I have to go shopping for a birthday present before it does.

    RADIATOR   Aw, you don’t have to get me anything for my birthday.

    HERODOTUS   You didn’t even come to my birthday party and your getting her a gift?

    CHICKEN   I was just gonna pick up a book on HTML5 for her.  She’s starting an online store.

    DAVID LETTERMAN   What are you going to sell?

    RADIATOR   Sustainably sourced and compostable bathroom towelettes. 

    HERODOTUS   I’d buy that.

    STEPHEN HAWKING   I wouldn’t.

    QUEEN ELIZABETH II  I’ll take two boxes please.  [Pause] What?  My butler has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

  5. Text post

    Context

         [Setting:  DOCTOR WHO has brought CHARLEMAGNE to New York in 2012.]

    CHARLEMAGNE   But what is this ‘bleach?’

    DOCTOR WHO   It’s sodium hypochlorite… NaOCl.  It’s similar to lye.  It’s used to whiten fabrics or to clean.  ’To bleach’ is to whiten something.

    CHARLEMAGNE   So why are women putting it on their anuses?

    DOCTOR WHO   Not just women, homosexuals and some heterosexual men too.  They have spas… pardon me, baths… that do it for you.

    CHARLEMAGNE   You mean people let someone else lye their anus?

    DOCTOR WHO   Maybe you should start reading Cosmo.

    CHARLEMAGNE   Is it a type of torture?

    DOCTOR WHO   No, it feels kindof nice.

    CHARLEMAGNE   You mean you’ve tried this?!

    DOCTOR WHO   Ah, quit being an 8th Century prude!  Afterwards we can get a mani/pedi.

    CHARLEMAGNE   A manitee?!

    DOCTOR WHO   Get your dirty long nails cleaned!  When’s the last time you used a nail brush under them keratins?

    CHARLEMAGNE   Petty 20th Century dandy… Alright let’s go.

    DOCTOR WHO   I’ll call Spa Belles…

  6. Text post

    I’m feeling very directionless

    INTERNET   You haven’t blogged in so long.

    ERIC   Not true, I keep starting entries then become disinterested.

    INTERNET   You just used disinterested incorrectly.

    ERIC   I know.

    INTERNET   Why have you been lacking in interest?

    ERIC   Because I’ve let it go so long that the first entry has to be a really good one.  I’ve been lacking interest in my life as a whole lately.

    INTERNET   Uh-oh… you’re supposed to feel like that in the fall, not in May.

    ERIC   I know!

    INTERNET   Maybe if you stopped drinking so much you’d be able to follow through better with your blog entries.

    ERIC   To what end?

    INTERNET   Can’t answer that one for you, bub.  You’re the existentialist here.

  7. Text post

    I’m perfectly happy hating 6th Avenue for no good reason

    ANNA WINTOUR   Of all the avenues west of Fifth, I prefer Sixth Avenue the least.

    MICHAEL MUSTO   And why is that?

    ANNA WINTOUR   Do I have to have a reason?  It just rubs me the wrong way, like Chloe Sevigny.

    MICHAEL MUSTO   Is it because it’s also called Avenue of the Americas and you hate the Americas?

    ANNA WINTOUR   I don’t hate the South America… I have a flat on Ipanema Beach.

    MICHAEL MUSTO   And what about the avenues east of Fifth?

    ANNA WINTOUR   There are avenues east of Fifth?

    MICHAEL MUSTO   Don’t you live on the Upper East Side?

    ANNA WINTOUR   Heavens no, not any more. I’m on Sullivan Street in SoHo.  The only time I go east of Fifth is to East Hampton in August and I only go north of 14th for Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week.

    MICHAEL MUSTO   Isn’t your office on Times Square?

    ANNA WINTOUR   That’s enough of your semantics.  More champagne.

  8. Text post

    I would eat your Westphalia if you’d let me

    CONCLUSION   I am all out of soap.

    DEMURE   Go get some more.

    CONCLUSION   I don’t want to.  I’m clean enough.

    DEMURE   Did you clean behind your ears?

    CONCLUSION   Twice!

    DEMURE   If she gets home and you’re not clean she’s gonna pull on your thumbs!

    CONCLUSION   I don’t care.  She can pull on my thumbs all she wants.  I’m going to have a cigarette.

         [SHE enters.]

    SHE   Just where do you think you’re going?

    CONCLUSION   To get more soap to clean behind my ears.

    SHE   Good.  Get me a Milky Way while you’re out.  I’m very hungry.

  9. Text post

    You have tension in your neck

    SCOTT   You have tension in your neck.

    ERIC   I do.  How’d you know?

    SCOTT   I can tell, we all can tell.

    NICOLE   Yea, you do.

    ERIC   Weird.

    SCOTT   Yea, it means you have trouble communicating honestly or without editing yourself before you speak.

    ERIC   Sounds plausible.

    SCOTT   I have tension in my pelvis.  It means x, y, and z.

    NICOLE   Where in your pelvis?

    SCOTT   In the middle.

         [Later]

         [ERIC is reading about his chakras while blogging.]

    INTERNET   The fifth Chakra, the Vishuddha, is located in the throat and is associated with the neck.  An unbalanced Throat Chakra manifests itself with neck tension due to lack of communication, creativity, and harmony with others.

    ERIC   That seems like a lot to say about someone’s character based on the way they hold their head.

    INTERNET   Questions for Reflection: Do you clearly focus your intention and make choices that empower your ambition?  What prevents you from commu­nicating effectively?  Why are you hard on yourself but not others?

    ERIC   A) Yes, mostly.  B) Language.  C) I’m not others, I have no business being hard on them, let alone judging them… I only know the standards I hold myself to.

    INTERNET   One with a balanced Throat Chakra strives toward purity in food, thought, and speech. 

    ERIC   Who’s the judge of this?  What is pure thought, or pure speech?  And I eat really good food; does pure mean healthy?  Why?

    INTERNET   They are committed to truth and honesty, and are communicative and able to express feelings, thoughts, and opinions. 

    ERIC   Above all things I’m committed to truth, I don’t know what honesty has to do with that.

    INTERNET   They have the ability to listen objectively and inquire rather than make assumptions.  Are you being objective now, Eric?

    ERIC   Well, it’s hard to be when you’re talking about me.

    INTERNET   You sound like an Aquarius.  Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity.  I think you’re the later.

    ERIC   What makes you think that?

    INTERNET   Your search history.

    ERIC   What do the constellations during the date of my birth, or the strain of my neck have to do with my personality?

    INTERNET   Are my assumptions incorrect?

    ERIC   My neck seems tense because I’m uncomfortable with people looking at me, which if I were a more honest person suppose I wouldn’t be afraid of being seen.

    INTERNET   And are you hiding under a cloak of frivolity?

    ERIC   Would you believe me if I said no?

    INTERNET   No, you’re dishonest.

    ERIC   As with religion, one can’t argue with preset maxims.

  10. Text post

    People prefer you be light-hearted when in fact you’re feeling rather cynical

    TULIP   It’s spring!  I’ve sprung!  Tra la tra la tra la!

    WEEKEND   I’m here!  I’m here!  Fa la la fa!

    SUN   I’m shining everywhere but Maine!  And temporarily New York!  Tra fa la la la la!

         [A child comes along and picks the TULIP and playfully pulls out its petals while skipping down the avenue.]

    WEEKEND   Hiya Sun!  You coming to see me in the village?

    SUN   Oh boy you betcha!  I don’t think I’ll make it today though; I heard that Lightening might crash your party.

    WEEKEND   Drat!  I thought he might do that!

    SUN   But I’ll stop in for a peek tomorrow.

    WEEKEND   Ok!  You better!

  11. Text post

    What they talk about when you’re not around

    MATTRESS   I just think it’s weird.

    DUVET   It is, a little I guess.

    BOX SPRING   I think it’s hot.

    FITTED SHEET   You don’t even see what’s going on!

    BOX SPRING   Yea, but I still gets me excited.  I creak along with their “Woo-Ahhs” and “Yea baby!”

    MATTRESS   I don’t get it, why does he put his thing-a-ling in the other one’s mouth?

    DUVET   It must taste good?

    FITTED SHEET   Doubt it.

    FLAT SHEET   They’re making babies.

    DUVET   Babies come out of their mouths?

    FLAT SHEET   No, but that’s where the eggs are, those white things in their mouths.  After they’re inseminated they grow as they travel down through the torso, then they come out their belly buttons.

    ALL   Ahhhh.

    MATTRESS   I still think it’s weird.  It doesn’t look like fun for the one underneath.

    FLAT SHEET   No, they just make it look like that so the one on top can feel all alpha and stuff.

    MATTRESS   If you say so…

    FITTED SHEET   I just wish they wouldn’t spill so much.

    DUVET   Yea! Who knew a bag a flesh had so many liquids inside?

    FLAT SHEET   Just be grateful you’re not a sock when one of them’s out of town… now that’s a mess.

  12. Text post

    I only wear cashmere

    MONACO   Could you please pass the crème fraiche?

    HONG KONG   You know it goes straight to your hips, don’t you?

    LUXEMBOURG   She could use to gain a little mass.

    SINGAPORE   Hah, hah, hah, too true, too true.

         [Enter RHODE ISLAND]

    RHODE ISLAND   Good evening.

    HONG KONG   Rhode… what are you doing here?

    RHODE ISLAND   Singapore invited me.  He said you do a weekly caviar parfait party.  I brought shaved egg whites and blinis…

    MONACO   Is this true, Singie?

    SINGAPORE   It is, somewhat.  I thought we should be a little more inclusive.

    MONACO   What about being a wealthy city-state is inclusive?

    RHODE ISLAND   I’m wealthy!  I’ve got Newport!

    MONACO   You’re not autonomous, though.

    SINGAPORE   But neither is Hong Kong.

    HONG KONG   I’m pretty autonomous.

    MONACO   Yea, but fella’s, what are we gonna do next, invite Santa Barbara?  This is a pretty slippery slope.  There’s not enough caviar for everyone.

    RHODE ISLAND   So, should I leave?

    LUXEMBOURG   No, have a seat.  But next time bring champagne instead of blinis.

    MONACO   And wear some cashmere or something, tweed is so 1912.

  13. Text post

    Irregardless of your nonplussed attitude towards Grammar Day I’m literally peeing my pants in anticipation, but that’s a whole nother story

    (In celebration of National Grammar Day coming this Sunday (March 4th), the following post has 7 grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors for you to correct.  If you share or reblog with all the mistakes corrected I’ll send you a Parsnip Ship Grammar Day 2012 book bag!  Read more about Grammar Day at nationalgrammarday.com and follow @grammargirl on Twitter!)

    RICK SANTORUM   President Obama wants everybody in America to go to college, what a snob. There are good, decent men and women who work hard every day and put their skills to the test that aren’t taught by some liberal college professor. And trying to indoctrinate them.

    BARRACK OBAMA   I am a snob.  In fact, I’m so snobbish that I don’t even resort to name calling, Santorum.

    RICK SANTORUM   Your liberal elitism is literally killing the country!

    RON PAUL   ‘Literally’?

    RICK SANTORUM   Yes, literally.

    LADY GAGA   His liberal elitism is his own prerogative.  He was born that way, baby.

    BARACK OBAMA   Yea!  And you used ‘literally’ incorrectly!

    RICK SANTORUM   Shut up when you’re talking to me.

         [RICK SANTORUM exits which is probably a good thing.]

    RON PAUL   So, Gaga… it’s been a while.

    LADY GAGA   It has.  How’ve you been Ronnie?

    RON PAUL   Oh, ya know.  Just runnin’ for president.

    LADY GAGA   What’s that like?

    RON PAUL   Definatley like pickles.  It’s like pickles green and sliced.

    BARACK OBAMA   It sure is.

  14. Text post

    Writing from the Body

    (Chana Porter is currently teaching a workshop through AliveWire Theatrics called “Writing from the Body.”  We do about an hour to an hour and a half of yoga then silently transition into writing.  I have to say, I’ve always been reluctant to try yoga, and for some reason I hate to admit it, but I’m very much enjoying it!  I’ve gone into class twice in a bad mood and come out feeling great both physically and emotionally.

    In our writing last week we began a story based on Taro Cards.  Chana had a hand full of “curve balls” that you could raise your hand and be given.  They were little chits of papers with verbs, nouns, and sentences to change the direction of your scenes.  I asked her to just drop one off whenever she felt like it.  The point of the exercise was to write without lifting the pen from the page, and to allow the story and characters to develop out of an open mind.  In the spirit of not editing as you go, I’ve scanned a scene from part of what I wrote and taped in some of her “curveballs” as well as explained in blue pen my train of thought, which, had I edited I would’ve worked into the scene.  Hope you enjoy!  And follow Chana’s blog with all of its great tips for writers at 96sacraments.tumblr.com)

  15. Text post

    I have nothing exciting to say

    FISH You shouldn’t do that.

    WELCOME Do what?

    FISH Be so… ya know.

    WELCOME No, I don’t know.

    FISH I don’t know. You’re always like… “Hey, I’m Welcome. You should invite me over for Sunday dinner.”

    WELCOME Am I?

    JELLY FISH Yea, you totally do that.

    WELCOME Nobody asked you.

    FISH You should be more like, “I’m all that on Wednesdays.” and stuff.

    WELCOME Ok. I’ll try.

    FISH Good.

    WEDNESDAYS I don’t appreciate being portrayed in such a way.

    WELCOME Nobody asked you.

    FISH I have to go start lenting. It’s Ash Wednesday.

    WEDNESDAY That’s not a word, “lenting.”

    FISH Shut up forever when you’re talking to me.

    WELCOME Ok.

    FISH By the way, I’m really popular in Australia.

    WELCOME Good for you.

    FISH Thanks.

    WELCOME You’re welcome.

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